my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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