I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
soo... how was my night?
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