Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
