Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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