Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
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he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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