How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
