I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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