do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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