Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
