You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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