I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
