In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She told me I should be a condom model.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
