The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
