i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
