On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
