He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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