The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
