can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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