your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
