i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
