I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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