Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
