I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
