Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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