The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
