I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.