I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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