So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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