Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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