I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
