i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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