The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
