This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
