I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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