I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
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They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.