awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
