bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell