when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
