I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
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I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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