Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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