I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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