Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
