don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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