Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
