So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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