how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
