We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i dont even know how to be here
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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