how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
