I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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