ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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