he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
