woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
