How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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