My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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