Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Is Oprah even human
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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