If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
