2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I will die if light touches me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
