Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
