I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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