I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
